Thursday, November 14, 2013

Congress: A Modest Proposal

Congress: A Modest Proposal


Are you as tired as I am about the way Congress is acting?  They scream at each other.  Partisan warfare is unending and unrestricted.  Shouted slogans replace debate.  Nothing gets done; the wheels fall off and the government shuts down.  Congress needs to chill out.  Congressmen need to get mellow.  I have a modest proposal.

Before they attend any meeting to conduct legislative affairs, before any public appearance, before any media interview, all Congress members and candidates for Congress should be required to smoke a big, fat doobie.

Think about how much this would lower the temperature of the current hate fight between Red and Blue.  Tea Partiers and Ninety-niners would be bros, not foes.  In the words of Rodney King, we could all just get along.  (Some current members seem to be on the program already – have you seen Rand Paul’s recent ramblings?)

This program would have some drawbacks.  Speeches in the Senate would wander on to filibuster length; the membership of the house could never be gotten together at the same time and place to vote on anything (come to think about it, that’s how it works now).  The Capitol cafeteria would have to stock up on snack foods.  Perhaps Twinkies should be limited to Democrats and Ho Hos to Republicans to make scoring the food fights easier. (Or vice versa; maybe the Speaker and the Minority Leader could start each biennium by playing rock-scissors-paper for the choice.)  The tv Sunday talk shows would have to be extended to handle the rambling, disconnected answers they would be getting, but that would be no problem since nothing else competes for those time slots.

Speaking of television, to achieve the proposal’s goals the toke-up doctrine would have to extend to television interviewers and commentators.  They cause even more political rancor than do the politicians.  Here the results would almost all be positive.  Chris Mathews would no longer sound like he is on an extended speed tweak.  We might find out if Bill O’Reilly is capable of smiling – or at least grinning inanely.  Glen Beck might even start making sense.  Bob Shaeffer would be most appealing as a giggling grandpa.  Most of the media would probably go along willingly.  In fact, I suspect some of them are already on the program – have you listened to Rachael Maddow or Chris Hays lately?  A few would hold out.  Rush “Rob Ford” the Limburger has a taste that runs more to Oxy, and even a small case of the munchies would keep him from being able to squeeze through the studio doors.  

We need relief from the acrimonious, non-ending, partisan warfare that has resulted in permanent deadlock.  It’s time to give this modest proposal a chance.  It can’t do any greater damage than we now suffer, and it may give some easing of the stalemate in Washington.  At the very least, we would get some amusing minutes, and laughter IS the best medicine.  We have nothing to lose.  They might even vote to repeal the Controlled Substances Act.  If you agree, spark a jay and let your congresscritter know just how you feel on this important issue.  Maybe give him an eighth –you’ll have to hand deliver it to keep the postal inspectors and Fibbies at bay.  As for me, I don’t think I’ll ever vote for a candidate whose campaign song doesn’t include the line:

Everybody must get stoned!

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