Congress:
A Modest Proposal
Are
you as tired as I am about the way Congress is acting? They scream at each other. Partisan warfare is unending and
unrestricted. Shouted slogans replace
debate. Nothing gets done; the wheels
fall off and the government shuts down.
Congress needs to chill out.
Congressmen need to get mellow. I
have a modest proposal.
Before
they attend any meeting to conduct legislative affairs, before any public
appearance, before any media interview, all Congress members and candidates for
Congress should be required to smoke a big, fat doobie.
Think
about how much this would lower the temperature of the current hate fight
between Red and Blue. Tea Partiers and
Ninety-niners would be bros, not foes.
In the words of Rodney King, we could all just get along. (Some current members seem to be on the
program already – have you seen Rand Paul’s recent ramblings?)
This
program would have some drawbacks.
Speeches in the Senate would wander on to filibuster length; the
membership of the house could never be gotten together at the same time and
place to vote on anything (come to think about it, that’s how it works now). The Capitol cafeteria would have to stock up
on snack foods. Perhaps Twinkies should
be limited to Democrats and Ho Hos to Republicans to make scoring the food
fights easier. (Or vice versa; maybe the Speaker and the Minority Leader could
start each biennium by playing rock-scissors-paper for the choice.) The tv Sunday talk shows would have to be extended
to handle the rambling, disconnected answers they would be getting, but that
would be no problem since nothing else competes for those time slots.
Speaking
of television, to achieve the proposal’s goals the toke-up doctrine would have
to extend to television interviewers and commentators. They cause even more political rancor than do
the politicians. Here the results would
almost all be positive. Chris Mathews
would no longer sound like he is on an extended speed tweak. We might find out if Bill O’Reilly is capable
of smiling – or at least grinning inanely.
Glen Beck might even start making sense.
Bob Shaeffer would be most appealing as a giggling grandpa. Most of the media would probably go along
willingly. In fact, I suspect some of
them are already on the program – have you listened to Rachael Maddow or Chris
Hays lately? A few would hold out. Rush “Rob Ford” the Limburger has a taste
that runs more to Oxy, and even a small case of the munchies would keep him
from being able to squeeze through the studio doors.
We
need relief from the acrimonious, non-ending, partisan warfare that has
resulted in permanent deadlock. It’s
time to give this modest proposal a chance.
It can’t do any greater damage than we now suffer, and it may give some
easing of the stalemate in Washington.
At the very least, we would get some amusing minutes, and laughter IS
the best medicine. We have nothing to
lose. They might even vote to repeal the Controlled Substances Act. If you agree, spark a jay and let
your congresscritter know just how you feel on this important issue. Maybe give him an eighth –you’ll have to hand
deliver it to keep the postal inspectors and Fibbies at bay. As for me, I don’t think I’ll ever vote for a
candidate whose campaign song doesn’t include the line:
Everybody must get stoned!